Today would have been my sweet grandmother’s ninety-seventh birthday. It will be the first birthday where I can’t call or text her, and it feels weird. I’m wearing a shirt and sweater of hers in her honor plus a set of ruby and diamond jewelry that I’ve already incorporated into a memorial tattoo I recently had inked on my right forearm. And, just like my extremely organized and planful Grandma, I’m checking things off in my day planner and work to-do list.
Grandma was a deeply spiritual and introspective person. She spent a lot of time reading, thinking, reflecting, and writing. As I grew into adulthood I enjoyed and appreciated being able to talk with her on a level beyond superficial niceties.
In spring of 2022, I drove to Tulsa to visit her and Grandpa for the weekend. Grandpa had gone out to get us burgers for lunch, and my cousin and his family hadn’t yet arrived from the airport. Finding ourselves alone with a chance to chat, Grandma asked, “Well, Mel, are you a happy girl?”
And I said…no.
We had a discussion about the biggest thing at the time that was troubling me, which was my job. I have hinted before on this blog at how deeply unhappy I was with my job and how stuck I felt. We talked about that, how I felt trapped doing things I was good at and had built a reputation around doing, but I secretly didn’t enjoy and wanted to stop doing. She surprised me with the revelation that toward the end of his career at an oil company, my grandfather felt the same way. But, like me, he had responsibilities and couldn’t outright quit, so he spoke up for himself and found other things to do within the company that satisfied his interests.
Between my discussion with Grandma and a ton of counseling I started undergoing when things got really bad in 2021, I learned to advocate for myself. I took advantage of opportunities and changes as they emerged.
Today I have a great relationship with my direct leaders and my team. I’m doing almost exclusively things that pique my interests and talents and are helping me grow instead of keeping me stagnant.
On other fronts, I continue to practice managing emotions, thoughts, and feelings in a healthy and productive way. I’m back to taekwondo training after a prolonged ACL injury recovery, and have recently taken up a strength training series my partner and I do together at home so I can increase my level of fitness. I still haven’t quite hit the sweet spot on making the time for all my interests and hobbies, but I do what I can. When the MANY stressors falling onto me at once in the first half of this year got me near a breaking point, I spoke up and said I was burned out and needed a break and am continuing to recover and rebalance during the latter half of this year. That all came from making a commitment to myself to let go of anger and frustration around things I couldn’t change and taking action on things I could (something I still have to remind myself to balance because I am far from a master at it).
There are still things I want to do, goals I haven’t yet achieved, and things I’d like to change, but today I can honestly, whole-heartedly say, “Yes, Grandma, I am a happy girl.”
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