I had a thought the other day, just a fleeting thought, that maybe I’d quit taekwondo for a while and get more into Pilates and yoga, both of which I’ve practiced since college (off and on for Pilates, consistently for yoga). Or finish my g-ddamn novel I’ve been working on since 2023. Or just enjoy the time off with whatever I wanted.
I like my taekwondo school and all the people there, and I love how I feel after every class, even on days when I’m tired or irritated or wishing I’d stayed home to watch TV. I only go two days a week, but for some reason, even those two hours out of the week feel like an imposition.
It doesn’t feel so much like a time drain as it does an energy drain.
There was a year or two where I was going to taekwondo five or six days a week, sometimes for multiple classes in a day. That fed my soul and made me so very happy. Also I’ll note at the time I was single and didn’t like my job much and was content with just coasting. I might even consider my connection to taekwondo as an unhealthy, co-dependent one; one addiction replacing another and filling a very large hole gouged in my heart by emotional turmoil, mental illnesses, and stupid choices. But, that’s what I needed at the time to find happiness.
Now, other than the home I live in, my life is very different than it was ten years ago when I got my first degree black belt. I’m much more career-minded (it helps when you have a boss and work you like) and have this author thing I keep trying to kick off the ground, published memoir notwithstanding. I’ve also been in a relationship for several years, but it helps that he’s a taekwondo person too. I’m still a black belt, and I still love taekwondo, but I’m not the same black belt I was in my mid-thirties.
Maybe I’m still learning how to find balance rather than the all or nothing extreme. I did the “all” for several years, and then “nothing” for a year and a half while I recovered from two knee surgeries, which was its own bucket of drama.
It’s not taekwondo’s fault that I feel restless and like I’m not accomplishing what I want to. It’s an easy scapegoat and something easier to drop from my life than my job or home maintenance. This is telling me that rather than follow an impulsive whim to cut out something that is positive in my life, I can examine my whole life and where I’m prioritizing my energy. A portfolio rebalance, if you will.
Taekwondo no longer fills a void in my heart. My heart is whole, thanks to taekwondo but mostly thanks to the work I’ve done on my emotional and mental health. It fills a much smaller spot, and that’s okay.
Maybe I’m just bullshitting and blowing off steam. I’m still going to class tomorrow night, and I know I’ll feel great.
