I had this boyfriend who would often say, “I don’t sweat fools,” meaning he tried not to let people rattle him, especially over petty, pointless things. I’ve found myself thinking that quite a bit throughout this year…well, alternating between that and my favorite line from the RuPaul song “Sissy That Walk”: “’Less they paying your bills pay them bitches no mind.” Better words were never spoken, Mama Ru. (Now sissy that walk!)
Saying you’re not going to let people get to you and actually practicing it are two different things. I struggle with it although it’s become easier over the years as my confidence has improved. When our values or our livelihoods are threatened, when our character is questioned, when human decency is trampled upon it’s hard to not take things personally…because many times it is personal. This is when I’ll have to tap into my taekwondo “indomitable spirit” and keep moving forward, fools be damned.
So I’m done. I’m tired of the BS and tired of giving my power over to people who ultimately don’t matter, whether they are acquaintances, old classmates, ex-boyfriends, coworkers, public figures, or total strangers. I’m making a commitment to myself not to sweat fools anymore. I’ve never had a very wide circle of trusted, favorite people to begin with, and that circle’s gotten a lot smaller in the last two months. I just can’t care anymore. It’s time to keep a LOT of people at arm’s length and insulate myself with the people I truly care about. Bye Felicia.
Maybe this—pushing away rather than embracing–isn’t the best way to cope with what has been a very difficult year, but it’s what I have to do to remain calm and in control. Perhaps that’s a bit nihilistic, but that’s how I’m feeling right now. And what a year it’s been. Beloved celebrities have died, violence is happening worldwide, illness and death have struck my family and friends, my workplace was turned upside down, and of course there’s been this vitriolic political landscape in the United States. Other than the nice respite of the summer Olympics, I think most of us can agree 2016 has been a rotten year. I think on December 31st many people will be welcoming 2017 with open, exhausted arms.
Most people don’t matter, not really, not in the big scheme of things. A good friend once told me, “What other people think of you is none of your business.” The people who are the most vindictive, bullying, and aggressive tend to be the most insecure. Why let someone else’s hangups (or highly charged Facebook posts) ruin your day? Why let someone else tear you down when you’ve worked so hard to build yourself up? Don’t sweat those fools! You’re too awesome to do that! Focus on the ones you love and on making yourself even more awesome.
Not sweating fools doesn’t have to be reserved for people who are the most overtly aggressive or mean-spirited. It’s a reminder not to sweat the small stuff. Loved one getting on your nerves? It will pass. Got a last minute work assignment dumped on you? Just get it done and don’t dwell too much on the person responsible. This will also pass. People being contradictory, indecisive, or running around like headless chickens? Rise above and don’t get pulled into the senseless panic. Did someone make a rude or ignorant comment? F—k ‘em. You don’t have time for fools. Other people don’t define who you are, nor are they responsible for your feelings…they don’t deserve that power over you.
I have let people abuse me, bully me, play mind games, or even just let what they said or did get to me when what they actually said or did wasn’t a big deal. I have taken offense by creating it from thin air. I have been subjugated to pettiness and cruelty,and I let them win. I don’t need to be afraid of anyone anymore, and neither do you. (Well, I’m a little afraid of my Grandmaster, but that’s a healthy fear.)
And I can’t ignore the fact that sometimes I am the biggest fool in my own life. I’m extremely harsh and judgmental of myself, especially when the world around me becomes more stressful. I tend to turn inward rather than lash out at people externally. I scrutinize everything I do or say. I ruminate on what other people have said and start to fantasize about confrontations. I isolate myself because deep down I believe I will be rejected because of aspects of my personality, looks, and past. I believe I have to shoulder my burdens alone because I don’t trust anyone to help me. I believe the only time I can be happy is when I’m practicing taekwondo in the dojang…
…talk about a buncha BS and giving my power away. I know, right? Looks like this whole not sweating fools thing needs to start with the woman in the mirror.
