A few months ago for my birthday, I bought an Adidas taekwondo uniform with the signature three black stripes. I’d had my eye on that style since I saw some black belts, a father and daughter duo, wearing them when I first returned to taekwondo in 2013. For some reason I had in my head that, like those two black belts, I had to be a third degree black belt to wear that uniform–not because of the three stripes, which would seem like silly, obvious kid-logic, but because it was “nicer,” and I didn’t deserve nice things yet. And maybe I thought my grandmaster, who could fly off the handle at the most ridiculous things, would have some unwritten rule that certain uniforms were for certain ranks. (Woe to the branch school owner who wore a criss-cross quilted patterned dobok top to a test one time. Apparently those are for grandmasters only).
For a long time I kept holding out that I would reward myself with the Adidas dobok when I tested for and earned my third degree black belt, which was sidelined with my much documented knee injury, surgery, and very long recovery, and then a bunch of life stuff happened over the past five years. Taekwondo hasn’t been and still isn’t my #1 priority, and I’m okay admitting that on my taekwondo blog. However, I’m still regularly attending class twice a week, making progress, and enjoying myself. Still not third degree, but that will come in time.
I’m a lot more confident, happy, and full of self-respect than I was when I first started taekwondo, which probably makes me less self-conscious as I drag my 40-plus body through a tough class with a smile the whole time. This has also transformed how I feel about my job, which I had struggled with deeply for several years. I requested and was given a higher salary after being underpaid for way too long, and, after having frank discussions with my bosses, primarily do work that I enjoy and plays to my strengths.
Who knew all this time all I had to do was speak up for myself?
So when my birthday rolled around this year I thought, “What the heck am I waiting for? I’m good enough for this dobok NOW.” My only complaint is that it’s a poly-blend rather than traditional cotton, but other than that, I love the look, fit, and how well it moves with me during class.
Meanwhile, as I’ve been upgrading myself, I’ve also been making several cosmetic and functional upgrades to my home. I always took care of problems when they arose, but now I’m more proactive and am not settling for letting things be sub-par until I absolutely had to make changes. But I didn’t always feel that way. During the pandemic I got sucked into the psychology of the real estate phenomenon that sent housing prices soaring and bitterly regretted buying my condo nearly ten years prior. I would look around the small space and only see problems–the crack in the ceiling, the stained carpet, the outdated vanity in the hall bathroom with old crappy shut off valves. I felt angry and hopeless that I could buy a larger home in the future and was furious that a home I could have easily afforded a few years ago was now out of range. (Yeah, I know, join the club, and yeah, I know I already have home owner privilege).
After a few recent upgrades and repairs I realized (1) I shouldn’t wait around until problems arise to take care of my home. That’s like living an unhealthy lifestyle and waiting to get a poor diagnosis from the doctor before deciding to eat nutritious foods and exercise and (2) my CURRENT home deserves the love and care and respect I would give to one of those bigger homes I so wished I had. After all, the condo had once been my dream home, and I fought hard to obtain it–and pay it off! I still want a bigger home someday, but for now I’m thoroughly enjoying what I have and putting in a bigger effort to make it a happy and well-run sanctuary.
The newfound confidence and respect I’m giving to myself has manifested in some higher stakes but also larger rewards at the job that I’m liking much more than I used to. Last month I got a new, exciting, and high-pressure assignment at work with a time crunch and high visibility with top executives. After the initial meeting with my leaders I panicked and disassociated for a while, stress-ate a mini Three Musketeers my boyfriend forgot in the fridge (you snooze, you lose, dude), and then…I relaxed and let myself exist in the identity of someone who had this assignment in the bag, no sweat. I was literally and metaphorically a black belt who could totally pull off an Adidas uniform. I opened a PowerPoint presentation with a few slides I wanted to base my story on and just let whatever came into my head go onto the screen. I could always make changes later.
I trusted myself to do the task at hand and to figure it out as I went along. So far, so good.
I’ve learned to quiet the inner critic when I practice taekwondo. I’m attuned to what my body can do at this point in my life.
I affirm that I deserve the best NOW, not some magical time in the future when some magical version of me seems to have it all together. The time to treat yourself and what you value with care, respect, and love is NOW, not when you think you are good enough for it.
To quote a competitor to Adidas, “Just do it.”
