“Hey, that’s not fair, I had to play Jesse last time. You always get to be Heisenberg!”
About a year ago I realized that all the toxic people had disappeared from my life. Grumpy or conniving coworkers, bullying friends, disinterested love interests. I never had the “break up” talk that’s often suggested to women who are agonizing over cutting ties with someone. I just removed myself from the situation and severed communication. Passive aggressive, but it worked. Once I realized that they were gone I noticed how much lighter and more free I felt.
“JEEEEZZUZ CHRIIIIIIST!” I screamed as I was thrown with the force and speed of a freight train (and yet somehow also in slow motion) to the ground by Jack*, a teenage black belt who is normally self-deprecating and gentle but surprised me with his sudden brutality. Immediately I felt remorse for taking the Lord’s name in vain and being disrespectful to the others so I quickly apologized to my partners and my instructor after I had recovered.
Smoking looks cool. I’m sorry, it does. In my fantasy life, after I’ve gunned down human traffickers without getting any blood on my sleek black trench coat and before I head off to a gig with my Led Zeppelin cover band I lean up against my black Ducati…and light a cigarette. It just wouldn’t have the same effect if I, say, bit into an apple or patted a kitten or posted a double rainbow meme on Facebook.
Oh, you like that pretty rainbow? BOOM! How ya like me now??
The Poomsae series is intended to glean lessons from the meaning of each form. My school studies the palgwe forms so that’s what I will use for each post. Descriptions are taken from the book “Complete Taekwondo Poomsae” by Dr. Kyu Hyung Lee and Dr. Sang H. Kim.
Palgwe Sah Jang means thunder, “undeniable power and dignity.” According to the authors the powerful movements should be performed seamlessly “just as thunder follows lightning.” Like a BOSS.
Kinda like those old “Milk…it does a body good” commercials, yes? Can it be chocolate soy milk and still count?
I used to glare at thin women. I took it as a personal affront that another woman had a flat stomach and therefore in my twisted logic not a care in the world. I couldn’t believe that someone who was unintelligent or had a butterface (look it up) or bad fashion sense had what I believed I deserved. I hated them for what I perceived to be effortless perfection. I was obsessed with a girl in my college chemistry class and hated her the most. Bottle blond, artificially tanned, and beautiful in a girl-who-gets-killed-first-in-a-slasher-film kind of way, this poor girl got the death stare worst of all. That bitch had a flat stomach and was flaunting it in my face. She wore purple spandex to the gym. She wore tight jeans to class. We never spoke a word to each other. I still remember her name yet I feel like I am a galaxy away from the troubled 19-year-old who despised her so much.
“Yes, sir!” I chirped with a smirk when asked if we wanted to do another round of duck walks across the dojang. I have lower jump kicks and less forceful strikes than my male classmates, but 20 years of being a gym rat and yoga enthusiast makes me excel in conditioning exercises. I scurried across the floor with masochistic glee, silently thanking a thousand Buddha squats for my energy and agility.
The next day I had trouble walking down the stairs.
The first time I attempted it I landed square on my bottom in a pile of kicking pads. I had just gotten my green belt and joined the upper ranks in my first advanced class. Frustrated and embarrassed I was ready to give up. A year later and I’m looked up to by other students. I have this blog. I have my red belt, which is further than I ever got as a child over 20 years ago on the dusty lonely plains of west Texas. I still can’t do a flying side kick.
“Hold back, slow down,” Grandmaster said when I threw an axe kick at a young bo dan during a sparring class a few months ago. The command to fight had barely dissipated and I thought I’d try something different–jump in aggressively and take the offense. “He’s high-ranking. You don’t know what he’s going to do. Watch him and then respond.” That bit of coaching changed my entire outlook. The kid still got in some nice hits, but I felt much more relaxed and calm during the match.
