My partner gave me a billiards cue last Christmas and then a glove for my most recent birthday. Despite playing pool for the last several years, I still very much feel like a beginner. I wasn’t sure I “deserved” a good cue until I passed some sort of unwritten, undefined test–like maybe, not feeling self-conscious around all the experts when we play at the pool hall or doing a decent break where the balls don’t end up in a sad cluster or living up to unrealistic expectations of perfection that I unfortunately still put on myself.
What am I trying to prove? Do I need to prove anything at all?
I wondered if I was once again suffering from imposter syndrome, something I explored on this blog several years ago when I was in a darker mental place.
Recently in my career I’ve found myself at a crossroads where, while I’m still in the position I’ve been in for many years, I’m choosing to learn new skills and activities while doing less of what I’m good at but don’t enjoy.
I really really really want to leave behind the things I’m good at but don’t enjoy…but it’s kind of scary going into the unknown.
I spent nearly seven years in my first career and have been in my second for thirteen. I know things. I know how to do things. They’ve been relatively short careers, but I’ve gained expertise. It’s comfortable.
A few weeks ago my boss let me know that his boss approved the idea of me attending some high-level meetings and beginning to learn the ropes of that aspect of the job. I was thrilled but immediately my brain freaked out and was all, “WHAT DO I DO TO MAKE SURE I DON’T SCREW UP??? I’M GOING TO BE SO OUT OF PLACE IN THOSE MEETINGS. EVERYBODY’S GOING TO THINK I’M IN OVER MY HEAD!!!!”
Then I remembered that as a white belt you don’t learn everything in one day let alone MASTER every aspect of your martial art.
That takes years, and even when you’re at an “expert” level you’re still learning. I didn’t need to have that unproductive, nervous energy about my new work venture. I just needed to show up with an open mind and learn.
Those first few meetings have gone well, and I’ve even shared some ideas about how we could improve the process of the work we’re doing (sorry for the vagueness; I’m trying to keep the descriptions general).
So I’m taking it one step at a time, one task at a time, one project at a time–just like a white belt would take it one class and one movement at a time as they learn basic strikes, blocks, kicks, and forms. Eventually I’ll build that comprehensive toolbox I’ve talked about before on this blog, and I’ll look back a year from now and laugh at how I worried over nothing.
It’s okay to be a beginner whether that’s playing pool, doing a martial art, or in the workplace. Being a beginner is the best time to learn, provide fresh eyes to things other people may not see or have time to see, and grow new skills.
I’m ready.