“Be true to yourself. You’ve come too far in 2 years,” my dad said. I experienced a really bad set back tonight and planned on my usual soothing ritual of lying motionless on the couch for eight hours watching Netflix, which will start tonight as soon as I post this. I told him I was going to skip going to a young professionals arts event tomorrow because I was too sad and didn’t want to put on a big fake smile. He reminded me that this situation and other parties involved don’t define who I am.
I will not share personal details about this situation; I’ll just say my life took a big nosedive shift I am reeling somewhere between really fucking furious and deeply sad. A lovely little bombshell was dropped on me unexpectedly at 9:30 at night. Nice. I have been in a situation that has not been by my choice or design and yet somehow I have been the one to blame for its downfall. What. The. Fuck. I know I don’t drop f-bombs or even s-bombs in my blog, so I apologize for offending my gentle readers, but this situation warrants it. SHIT FUCK SHIT THIS FUCKING SUCKS.
I talked to my dad, who is the best one to talk to during these situations and in the course of our conversation he’d brought up that he’d noticed a huge change in my demeanor over the last two years that I’ve been studying taekwondo, especially in my happiness and confidence levels. He didn’t want me to let this situation undo all the hard work I’ve done. And he’s right. Then my LOA thoughts kick in and I wonder what I did to “attract” this situation and what I am supposed to learn from it. Maybe I am just supposed to learn to be me and love me so I am not seeking it elsewhere in sources that always dissipate like vapor.
I’ve cried all the tears I’ve felt like crying tonight, now I’m just numb. I am waiting for the clonipin to kick in, calm my nerves, and knock me out (just to sleep! Nothing bad!) and I am staying true to my promise of not touching a drop of alcohol until after I get my black belt. I was watching “All About Eve” before I had this difficult conversation that upended my reality. I recall the famous line by Bette Davis: “Fasten your seat belts. It’s going to be a bumpy night!”
Fucking sucks. I’m still going to taekwondo class on Monday, and I think I will go to that arts event tomorrow. Besides, it’ll be funny to show up in an elegant dress with bruises all over my arms from sparring.