Well if you’ve been reading the past two posts you can probably figure out that something bad happened. That’s all I’mma say about it. So here’s an update:
1. I didn’t go to the arts event like I said I would. I was too sad and too angry. I preferred to stay home and watch movies. Besides, I just can’t deal with the inane “what do you do?” question right now or worse some trite variation of “what’s a pretty girl like you doing here alone?” bullshit. No, just no. I didn’t feel like painting my toenails anyway.
2. I did end up eating dinner although it was just some grapes and a baked chicken breast with a little hummus plus some frozen banana “ice cream” with cinnamon. Hopefully I’ll lose a few more stress pounds.
3. My lower back hurts because I slept on the couch last night. I will probably sleep on the couch tonight and for the next few nights. Even though I live alone I can’t bear to be alone in my big dark bedroom right now. The sadness can find me too easily. Insomnia is setting in anyway. I am so fucking furious and sad and humiliated and angry and devastated that I don’t think I’ll sleep well again for a long time.
4. I haven’t considered suicide, which is a pleasant change as that is a shadow that has followed me my entire life. I did consider buying a pack of cigarettes and getting drunk, but I haven’t done those things either. Suicide’s always going to be an option, but it’s never something I could actually do…unless I get ALS then I’ll see you mo-fos on the other side.
5. I haven’t exercised since Friday’s taekwondo classes. I just think too much when I do it. Right now I know I’ll just get antsy in yoga, angry on the treadmill, or blind myself with tears in my goggles in the pool. The only thing I can bear to do without thinking is taekwondo. Luckily I’ve been eating less so it will all even out.
6. As much fury and humiliation and hatred as I feel right now I really don’t think I can channel that into taekwondo. I like my classmates and instructors too much to ever be blinded by mad aggression. Instead it will burn slow and deep within me, quietly smoldering away inside me until there’s nothing left. Damn. Hopefully it’ll burn some calories too while it burns me alive.
7. I’m staying home from work tomorrow. I just want to be left alone. Thankfully my workplace is cool and relaxed about stuff like that so no one will go poking in my biz. I wish I could take the whole week off but I’d rather use my PTO on a trip to Santa Fe (this fall!) than staying at home by myself watching movies.
8. I believe in the law of attraction, so I know I attracted this entire situation to me. It’s tempting to get upset and blame myself for attracting the situation, but that will just make it worse. Obviously that’s what I was a match for, and it became my reality. Fine. So what can I learn from it? How can I make myself better because of it? How can I care for myself until the pain goes away? How can I remember that I AM a good and loving person when those I trusted are telling me otherwise? And that is what stings the most, why I am crumpled and weeping at 12:30 in the morning, the humiliation of the accusations when it is too late for me to scream back at my accuser that they’re not true, that I’m not a bad person. It is not the first time I have been emotionally beaten into submission, too stunned to use any good comeback lines. I feel like my very dignity was harmed.
I am in so much pain. In the dark lonely hours of the night I start to wonder if what was said about me is true that I’m a bad person and don’t deserve anything good and all I do is cause harm. Wait…wouldn’t that go against what I said about blaming myself and feeling even worse? I AM a good person, I have drive and ambition (two masters degrees, duh), I am a good partner, and a good family member, and a good employee. And then the doubt and lies creep in again, and I am so gullible and quick to fall for them. Damnit, being consumed by grief and anger at the same time feels like I am on fire and I can’t escape…..and now there’s a thunderstorm outside. How freaking dramatic.
I don’t know what outcome I want to attract yet and don’t care about the how, I just want to feel better. And that’s how LOA works anyway.
9. I have black belt training. No one can take that from me. No one can make me stop. Granted I might be tempted to hide out at home for the week, but eventually I’ll make it back to class. More importantly no one can take from me the person I have become because of my taekwondo training. Push me down seven times and I’ll get up eight, beyotch!
But for now it’s back to movies on my laptop and my little pillow fort on the couch. Sometimes getting back up takes a little time.